divorce

I found out at Christmas my husband was having an affair.  I lost it.  Couldn't even think straight for weeks.  Possibly months. To be honest here it is April and I feel like I'm just coming out of the fog of shock, betrayal, heartbreak and devastation.  When I confronted him.  He said things like "was a mistake" and "her name is unimportant"  "I don't know why" and "we're just friends" "She doesn't mean anything".   I had checked our phone bill I saw over 7500 texts (he had texts from 4a until 11p at night to basically 1 number).  They've never stopped.  This has been the worst of my life.  I thought we were happy.  I thought we were doing good and had a great year.  Sure we've had our problems and fights over the years.  And it's been so hard him having to travel for work.  I hated him being gone.  Me having to be single mom and him having to be away from the family.  But I thought we were committed.  We're married.  We made vows that I thought we both kept as sacred commitments. He always said "I'd never do anything to jeopardize our family". I believed him.  I didn't see it coming.  He never let on what he was doing out in WY.  Told me he loved me every day/night up until he came home for the holiday.

Since then it's been nothing but lies from him.  Things like "I just need time to clear my head" and "I don't know what I'm doing" and "my life is in shambles". I've asked countless times for him to to stop the affair, stop taking steroids and come home and talk to me.  To think of our girls and consider the family we created. Unfortunately he's never stopped.  In fact,  in the beginning weeks he was more concerned about people learning of his steroid use then he was with people learning about his infidelity.  I get so mad at times.  I wanted to hit him and make him snap out of this.  He doesn't seem to care.  He's put me and the girls through hell.  They don't understand why he's not coming home.  Or why he told them in Feb "don't tell mom" when he lied to me and brought his mistress to town and after taking the girls out with them for the day. This after not seeing them in 10 weeks.  It's been so shocking to think you know someone and have them betray and lie and continually hurt you. How can a person change so drastically and so fast? It's so disturbing.

Here we are now,  days or maybe a week from being officially divorced.  I don't cry as often anymore.  The past month has been hell for me. It's not enough that he's cheated and betrayed me after 8 years.  He now blames me for everything.  That he was unhappy and it's all my fault. Has told me and called me horrible things.  Like "worthless bitch" "lazy" "useless" "bad wife" "money hungry" and "terrible mother".  I loved him. We had a good thing, a great thing.  I loved him more than he knew.  Maybe I should have told him more?  He is the father of my precious daughters. I don't understand how he can think, no less say those things to me. But I also don't understand how he could do this at all.

I never got married thinking I'd get a divorce.  Yes, we came from very different backgrounds.  But I was always so proud of Chris and all he had overcome and accomplished despite his upbringing.  I was proud of how hard he worked for us.  How hard he worked so that I could be home with our girls.  I still hate that I'm going to be divorced.  That my girls will have a broken family. But the divorce is what he wanted.  And because of his actions and choices it's what I have to do.  I know it's the right thing to do.  There is no other option.  I wish he would have communicated his thoughts and struggles to me.   I'm heartbroken for my girls.  I'll mourn my marriage and the lifetime I thought we'd live together as a family. I don't know how I'll move from here.  But I have to and I know I will.

I have been blessed with supportive family, friends and neighbors.  I know we bought this house so i would have these people in my life during this.  I couldn't get through this without them.  I love them all so much. I hope someday they know what a comfort they were to me.  I also hope something good can come from this.  Maybe it's helped to strengthen other marriages and communication in those relationships.